January is typically a time for making resolutions and setting goals for the new year. I’m going through that process both at home and at work right now. When it comes to my day job, goals are especially important. They are there for a team of people to rally around, to set priorities and establish milestones on the way to the desired outcome.
At home it is different. My wife and I may have some family goals that we need to collaborate on, but for personal outcomes, I focus on habits, not goals.
Years ago, I used to read all the latest business management and “success” books. They have had a huge positive influence on me. However, looking back, I see the emphasis on goal setting just made me miserable. I got into a cycle of setting high expectations for myself, only to feel guilt, inadequacy, anger, confusion and disappointment when I didn’t meet them. Even more damaging was how my focus on a long range goal took my eyes off the present.
In addition to my refocus from goals to habits, I also finally admitted something about myself. I am very much inclined to to seek out immediate gratification, to take the path of least resistance and to focus on something just a few days or a few hours in the future than a long range goal. I procrastinate with the best. I am often lazy. I seek out distractions to fool myself into thinking I am too busy or don’t have the time to take on something I don’t want to do. Looking back, I regret that I wasn’t more honest with myself about this sooner.
When I was first out of college, I took a job as an actuarial assistant. I spent five miserable years studying for actuarial exams. This involved self teaching and self studying of complex mathematical and statistical material to prepare for exams given twice a year. Six months of trying to motivate myself to study material that I was only somewhat interested in to pass an exam that was just one step toward a designation that would likely take me 8 years to achieve.
I managed to make it about half way to the designation before throwing in the towel, but it was not a happy time for me. I always had a low grade feeling of guilt hanging over my head that I really ought to be studying more. I was constantly rationalizing with myself that “tomorrow” I would really buckle down. My friends, coworkers and boss would ask how my preparations were going and I would lie. On top of that, I started drinking more.
The guilt for me was more than just because I was procrastinating. It ran much deeper. At the time, I didn’t see it, but it is so clear looking back. I was trying to be someone I was not. I was going against the grain of my personality. My guilt was because I was not able to be the person I expected myself to be. Where did my expectations come from? I had pieced them together from bits and pieces of inputs over the years. I was good at math and science, so my teachers, councilors and aptitude tests all said I should do this kind of work. The culture told me to work hard, be self-disciplined and I would make something of myself.
As time went by, I knew that I was not only failing to meet this expectation, but I was becoming a fraud. I was pretending to be successful, and enjoying just enough success to make it believable from the outside. I was pretending to continue to want what I was told to want. And I was feeling more and more guilty and trapped the longer the charade went on.
I finally found a graceful way out. I arranged to move into a different job if I failed one of the big exams on my third attempt. I passed the exam, but still made the move. It brought me temporary relief, but it was more like boxing up the problem and shoving under your bed than solving it. I’ll save the rest of the story for another time.
Have I given up long term goals altogether? No way. Since the actuarial days, I completed a masters degree in another field, but only after picking something that would allow me to take classes I enjoyed. Fitting it in between full time work and family life, the degree took me four years to complete. The difference was that I focused more on each class and on enjoying and learning the material I was studying.
Last year, I completed a marathon. This meant rigorously and religiously following a 20 week training program. But my focus was on running each day. Most days (but not all), I looked forward to my run. The marathon was not primary. The running habit was.
I feel liberated after admitting who I am, what my tendencies are, and what I really want out of life. I am no longer a slave to unreasonable expectations that other people set for me. Since I figured this out, I have accomplished more and I am generally more happy, more satisfied and less stressed with life. I am done trading my freedom only to try to be someone I am not.
So what can you learn from my experience? Here are two next steps to help you on your own path to more freedom:
1) Think about one of your primary goals. It doesn’t have to be explicitly written out, just something you aspire to in life. Examine the motives for that goal. Why do you want it? Be brutally honest with yourself. Go at least three levels deep with your “why?” questions.
2) Once you’ve settled on a goal that you really feel good about, think about it in terms of habits instead. For example, rather than have a goal of losing 30 pounds, have a goal of becoming a person who is fit and healthy. Start to adopt the daily and weekly habits of a fit person. The weight loss will follow.
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